Cherry Confessions

I notice something. I write when I’m down. I don’t write happy news anymore. What has become of me? Where am I? Lost somewhere? Stuck in a cave or still wandering in the jungle, maybe. Tell me this really happens to every 21 year old. Because it’s high time you can almost design your future, you freak out, try too hard, making more mistakes and getting hurt. Or am I last weirdo standing?

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s mine. Everything that is happening is caused by my own behavior, that kind of behavior I had the choice to filter and ignore but I didn’t. I think I very hero, very smart. Truth is, I am very stupid.

I have many series of issues to deal with. Some I have managed to settle. This, tonight is one of my many that is still on pending status.

Confessions, don’t read if you can’t take it.

I have a temper, I recognize it is genetically passed down and it is a reflection of my upbringing at home. So ironic, I dislike this trait of my family only realizing now that I own the trait as well and I can’t escape from that, I know it’s in me. I know we all have the same anger management issue, all 5 family members. If I don’t express, it eats me up, I can become hysterical, I cannot shut up, I feel temporarily satisfied telling the other person what my train of thoughts are, I realise that it hurts them only later. I am extraverted, the kind that jumps into the water then only realise oh shit I can’t swim. I have many extremes, either very good or very bad. I am never average, it’s either I am so damn good or totally suck in it. I have many friends, many good friends; I have lost many of my good friends too because I asked them to F off. But I miss them. I have been loved by many; I have lost in the love battle too many times too. But it could work out, if I wasn’t like that. No doesn’t matter now, so I’m just saying. I have my arguments. Parents always sarcastically say that I am better off a lawyer. I would answer back, indeed but you can’t afford so don’t suggest. I have a level of satisfaction of making people feel bad, making people feeling miserable that they have hurt me. Which means, I will hurt back, if you hurt me. I want them to feel equally hurt when I am hurt. This is me, these are the materials I am made of.

Look, I have faced rough times as young as I could remember, I always observed the negativity, nothing was really beautiful and never really know what love feels like. Cursed at because some people are frustrated at their marriage, ok good, because I didn’t like it, and because I had nobody but myself to protect, I want to protect myself from getting hurt physically and above all, emotionally. Cos when I get hurt emotionally, I seriously will lose it. THE WHOLE THING will be gone. Because I build a thick wall, so nobody can hurt me, I become defensive. I end up becoming my own lawyer, my own PR, I defend so much I keep thinking I’m right, eventually forgetting that I can be wrong too most of the time. I am so selective, so biased when it comes to myself.

Parents don’t love each other, so it’s hard to love their children because they hate to acknowledge we (or maybe just I) are/am their product. But school, wow school life tells me I am actually good in a few things, school teachers pat my head, schoolmates think I’m cute. College, wow they think I am capable. Workplace, they think I am amazing. Probably why I am attached to them. Because I am so new to compliments, never from home, only from outsiders and to receive more and more from them just makes me live my life.

Yes, nobody is perfect. But I am far from perfection because I am weird and I know that and I begin to realise it more and more. I may have two sides of me because the other side comes out to protect the weaker (or you call it sweeter) side of me. The sweeter side which actually allows people to bully me, hmm if you think that’s ok? Many people literally take advantage of that. I hope this does not scare you away, but I’m not afraid of telling the truth. If it is true, I will tell it.

I am aggressive by nature but pls tell me you can love me, pls tell me you can tame me. I am so aggressive I am not afraid of beating up a person. Pls tell me you can keep me sober.

I used to be a push-over, weak, people bully me, so should the aggression go away to and I’ll go back to zero? What is wrong being strong?

This is the most complicated psychological issue with myself. I am not giving up, I never will. I want to upgrade, I want to be happy, I want to remove the materials I am made of, and import the best ones and be a better person. I don’t know what are my methodology and therapies, it can go to the extend of talking to myself, talking to God, writing, typing, lists, reminders, recording myself when I’m angry and view back, work out, translate my anger into work but that just means being a workaholic so that’s not so good. I just need to make sure abusive substances won’t come in the way. I hope.

I just want you to know this is a struggle for me and please don’t think that I am laid back, doing nothing about it. I want to do something about it, I REALLY WANT TO and please tell me you see it, please tell me there is progress.

I am really dying inside. I have no spirits left because it feels like i am abandoned.

It's great to love, even greater to be loved!

…and we smell the weekend again!

HAPPY 3 MONTHS CHERRY AND JOEL AND HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY LEDDY!

Hey loved ones, how was your weekdays? Weekdays are not my best friends, time doesn’t stay loyal to you, your health condition comes in the way, and the workload unloads itself to you. I’m not saying I can’t live with that. But sometimes, can’t help but really sit down and ponder, when will this end? Like, seriously will it ever ever come to an end one day where you can enjoy life fully or will the time and energy you sacrifice now (when you are young-er) doubles up then multiplies a lifetime! This thought is scary, to work hard FOR NOW, hey I don’t mind. But if my questions were really answered and it tells me I will have to work as hard (or harder and not less!) until I die, then I’m not sure if I want to do that.

Having said all that, I probably have done some harm (not only to myself) but to those who love me. Everyday is GOLD RUSH. Chillaxing time is impossible. And you have to look good at the same time? Sorry I can’t achieve this especially lately. I’m used to how everyone’s been commenting on my pale face and tired eyes. You cannot conceal that.

I’ve been selfish. Because I want to work so hard, I have my side effects, I have my downsides, and he who cares for me will only have to wait for the bubbly side of me to come back. That hasn’t really happened now has it? It’s been 3 months, and I just want to tell you how blessed I feel to have you in my life..and it will never be the same again if, without you.

Baby, I never thanked you enough for all of the intangible you’ve done for me. I can never and will never want to compare you with anyone because you are one of a kind, have your own judgments and you are very special to me. Yes you are, very special. You are a gifted package. I feel so many things with you. You play many roles in my life and I need them. You have proven to me that this thing we have now is the one and only and will go a long way. Any girl would die for such assurance, my love. So I’m trying to say that I’m actually very blessed. To wake up every morning and to go to bed at night not only thinking of you, but being able to hear your voice..to start and end my day with you brings meaning and makes me want to live everyday. I may have confused you and myself with working hard and everything but I won’t let that come in our way. Sorry for the times I have let you down but you don’t mention, simply because you love me, and I don’t appreciate that enough.

Baby please forgive me.

my personal favourite!! :)

p/s: i understand 3 months is just numbers, but the mention of 3 months indicates how much i have learnt and how much i want to learn somemore and improve. 3 months and counting, that's for sure.

Cherry's Weekend is F.O.C! :)

This weekend, I consider it is given to me FOR FREE! I don’t remember really having the weekends to myself. And next two weekends, I’ll be out there in the jungle again. don’t worry, this jungle has wifi so we are connected anyhow :) So yes, I’m very glad to own this freedom of two precious days, wanna iron out life stuff that has been pretty messy lately.

What’s up, kicking and alive? :D

Trying to make myself as nerdy as possible. This is the final semester being in college before going all corporate or 9-5. Oh, did I tell you I don’t have papers to resit (BIG RELIEF). Everything looks very structured for me, especially the whole deal of going to the UK next year. The Liverpool John Moores (LJMU) officers came to give a briefing, informed us almost everything that we need to know. We are all already well aware of TOTAL 7 MODULES!! That need to be accomplished. Wow. Now how do I nerdify myself. And arrgh the pressure of going backpacking with Marcus!! I want! But unsure of time and money!!

Sabina's Simon Dowell (nope, not typo)

Campaign fever! Major, major. Really appreciate how we escape the environmental topics haha, really if we were to campaign about going green (AGAIN AND AGAIN), we will all puke green. We are all talking about celebration now. Yes you can actually campaign a celebration ;) Think 1Malaysia. What a huge campaign it is. But no lah, we’re not doing 1Malaysia, government’s got a huge budget for it. So after countless meetings, my team and I can’t be any happier to be in charge of the PR exhibition. Totally meant to do this. Always PR-related, never really went out of the PR box in these 4 years of my college experience. On the other hand, im quite curious myself if I were to be part of staging, creative or or..lead a Multimedia Design team, how would I be? No idea but new things are always a good challenge. We’re really into it, at the very least, these cute initial ideas will always be remembered in our later life. Kudos to the PROs, credits to designer Chin Yee..how cute we still believe we are...

and

Other than campaigning (which is great enough to occupy us 24-7), we also have our Thesis Dissertation and Socio-Cultural Communications, all the critical thinking. Let me tell you, don’t mind our dark circles, eyebags and pimples. We just can’t help it. My ‘virtual office’ is still running, don’t worry, I’ll do just fine.

This point of life, will I always remember, how I am doing everything, going everywhere, meeting many people all at once. It’s really interesting, I don’t remember how routine feels like anymore. Every day is a variety. Sometimes I fall sick and get quite tired, but I really believe that we should work hard now so we can really play hard later.

There is no doubt how special someone is always on my mind, lovey dovey aside, I have found someone who will keep track of me, and give me that tight slap I need once in a while. He used to say I keep him sober. No sweetheart, YOU keep ME sober. Thank you for everything! I love you! <3

the day someone (really randomly) approached and told us "it's really nice to see you both in love, don't let anyone say anything about the two of you" enthusiastically.

CHERRY MUST SHARE!

I love the smell of my mornings. And something I find so amazing in a baby boy while I was having my breakfast THAT I MUST SHARE WITH YOU. A couple and their little son waiting for the table to be cleaned, the boy got irritated, was all over the mother. The mother said “wait wait, let them clean the table first”. The boy should be 1 year old but he’s genius! So they got a baby chair for him. So I’d assume he can’t wait to get into the chair or something. Wanna know why he was merajuking? THE BOY CAN’T WAIT TO READ THE NEWSPAPER. I stopped eating, eyes widened when I heard the dad told the lady who was cleaning the table for them. He literally calmed down when he was in his baby chair and immediately grabbed the newspaper and his fingers have such great control over the newspaper, I mean come on! He’s just a babyyyy right?!

That moment I couldn’t get my eyes off of him, the boy went flicking page by page. The father would proudly ask “ok boy where is fish?, where is banana?”, the boy knew how to go to the Tesco supermarket ad to point. I was like awwwww that’s so clever of him. BEHOLD THE NEXT THING I OBSERVED!

The father asked, “ok boy, where is AirAsia? Where is Samsung? Which one is Daddy’s car? Yess Toyota, okok that one is Milo, yes..”. The father said that the boy remembers BRANDS and specific products and services. Awesome. I was dumbfounded, really.

I was sooooo impressed I had to take a photo of it, but I had to do it secretly lah.

awed from my view...

Let me just say, this is a different generation altogether. Even better than Millennium Babies like Lionel Boy. One day, someone like this boy and his peers will give workshops, seminars to the older generation on the wonders of things “we’ll never understand” like how some people just never get Facebook and all that today.

The power of branding and marketing. Even babies remember.

As I walked away, the boy was still flicking the newspaper and will only start his breakfast after finish scanning the newspaper. Tsk tsk.

Ok my weekend starts here. Cheers, all!

I want to end this life by saying 'Good Game'

After all that has happened…I can’t help but have a strategy and I will play this game damn well. It’s sad especially when you have to battle, gamble, trying to prove your own family wrong. If only there were proper listening skills, a little more affection and senses. But then again, nothing is perfect so this is my imperfection, you may have known a long time ago, and to me I know this funny pattern they carry, will last as long as they live. Simply because..this is just who they are. No explanation, no compromise. It’s cool by me, if this are the values and beliefs they posses. I just know none of their values and beliefs match mine.

It’s really different today. I did not cry, I was not angry, I didn’t pack my clothes and run. Instead, I faced it, hmmm actually? with no fear. I literally stayed home, planned out some stuff for me and my future. Probably I’m starting to accept this reality check. Especially after hearing from a few best friends, discovering their fair share of family issues, my version aint that bad at all. Nothing is THAT bad at all.

I know and I expect. Keep it coming, they are very typical, expected and predictable. The only difference is, my strategy. Wow true when they say you can’t change others, but you can change yourself. Finally comes into practice for me? I also learnt something. I don’t have to hurt you back when you hurt me. I want you to hurt by YOU hurting YOUR own self because you have made the choice to hurt, discriminate, belittle, trample and shatter others’ dreams, or more specifically your own daughter’s/sister’s.

You have brought me to hell in, out, there and again. What else worst can you give me? Other than you are disappointing, I don’t feel anything anymore about you guys.

p/s: Initially, I was not really this person but guess how have I eventually become? Creative upbringing, good job.

p/p/s: This whole post is applicable during the period of me having OR not having an Indian boyfriend. Ill-treatment applies, loves coming to me for free.

p/p/p/s: I just wanna play my role and read my lines, life really is a performing stage and by the end of this play I foresee a standing ovation, also doesn’t hurt to play my game, I want to end this life by saying ‘Good Game’.

Fuck, I sound really lame, as much as I mean it, I also don’t prefer the sound of it. Ok, will be perfectly fine by tomorrow, and also after my perfect getaway. Weekend’s a bliss! Looking forward! :)

Only I know the weirdo I am

I hate reading my old posts. Of cos I love the content. It’s just that I hate looking back at my set goals, self-promises. Hate it very very much. Maybe I should stop ‘speaking too soon’. But what if it is what I really intend to say at that very moment when I type. Like right now as well. Over the years, no matter how things have changed deep within I’m still the weirdo I am, still seeking for answers to the many worries that has no background whatsoever.

Soft copy or hard copy – it seriously is the same. I write down stuff too. I plan ahead..a day before, a week before, even a year before, and when it takes place, when it’s action time, it totally contradicts so what is the point of planning when I won’t even make it happen, even the closest. There’s another problem. If I don’t write down, do the planning or in this virtual case, if I don’t have my self-promises, I will also feel very very tortured within. You must be thinking, poor thing she must be wasting time on the useless. Wasting time or not, I will still have to do it because it is programmed in me, I cannot escape, it sucks to take it out of me. Maybe not too soon? Slowly? Or maybe never at all.

Same concept to every other aspect of my life. There are many things that are apparently rationally wrong and I still do them. I still do it no matter what, it is already part of my life. Simply put, you know it’s bad for you but you can’t live without it.

Don’t worry, I’m not doing drugs or anything (sometimes just heavy reliance on caffeine). Someday, I too wish that I free myself from this ‘vague must-dos ‘ that is actually harming me. I don’t know from which sudden occasion it slipped into my system but it’s either I continue but make the best of it, or find a way to break the curse. Wish me luck. Told ya, only I know the weirdo I am.

Tomorrow’s first day of college. I consider it my final semester, my final moments in the classrooms, my final episodes of being a student. After this, it is already UK and the real deal.